| bad trip. |
[Mar. 11th, 2007|01:20 pm] |
i remember the first time i had a bad trip.
i was at school at the time,
and i had taken something during lunch.
at first, it was perfect.
it was everything i wished it would be.
i loved, i was funny, i was free
i was wild, i was out of control, i felt awesome.
then it hit me harder than a bag of rocks to the face.
i was walking down the hallway to class
and things started seeming farther away.
things were moving.
sometimes too fast
then too slow.
nothing was right
everything was just,
out of place.
i heard voices that weren't there,
people talking to me seemed farther and farther away.
i couldn't even hold my own step;
stopping every few seconds so i could see straight.
the blur that was paralyzing my eyes
was starting to paralyze my body.
i felt like i couldn't move,
like i was being held down.
i was trapped.
in myself.
i made it to my class
and sat down in my seat.
i put my head in my hands
and i shut my eyes.
i had done it so much when i was a kid.
i believed it would make everything go away.
it didn't.
it made things worse.
everytime i looked up from my hands
things got farther away,
my head hurt more,
i got hotter,
things went faster,
people talked slower,
and each time it took
longer and longer for the breif
moment of darkness right when
i opened my eyes to go away.
i stumbled to the front of the room
and i stood helplessly in front of the teacher that
hated me, hated everything about me.
it took me a while to get there
stopping from time to time trying to get my balance.
i leaned on her desk,
"can i go to the clinic"
i managed to say.
my voice was different.
i was talking slower and my speech was bad.
my eyelids were getting too heavy.
"of course. you look like you're going to pass out. are you okay?"
i was surprised.
she sounded so sincere, she sounded like she cared.
i wanted to cry. all this time she "hated" me, she still
had the heart to feel for me. feel my misery.
she asked me if i wanted someone to go with me.
rachel was the first to raise her hand.
"you don't look too good"
was all i kept hearing.
person after person,
friend after friend,
everyone looked so worried,
so concerned,
'what's wrong with krysten?'
i heard them all whisper.
why does this girl,
always happy, always full of energy,
always laughing, always talking too much,
always having a good time, making the best
out of everything look like shes completely
falling apart? look like shes dying?
it wasn't supposed to be like this.
it wasn't supposed to feel like this.
zack said he would carry me there,
i told him i could manage to walk.
i hated being helpless
but that's all that i was.
i made it as far as to the end of the hallway.
the police officer of the school, and some
teachers were talking. they looked at me weird,
they wanted to know what was going on.
"is she okay?"
they all asked, suspicious looks on their faces.
rachel told them i was fine and we kept walking.
after a couple more steps i couldn't do it anymore,
i was completely drained.
emotionally and physically.
my whole body was shutting down and i could feel
every single part of it.
"i can't walk." i said.
rachel looked so scared, she looked so worried.
"what's wrong?"
she kept asking.
she wanted answers, she wanted an explanation.
so did I. this wasn't how this was supposed to end up.
i stumbled to the water fountain.
i didn't even have the energy to hold my head up.
i propped myself on my elbow was i drank the water.
i was getting dehydrated.
i needed something to refresh me, or at least try too.
the water made it a little better.
i found it in me to walk.
i still needed rachels hands to help guide me.
i passed this kid while i was going to the clinic.
we didn't have a friendship but
i had bought stuff from him a couple of times.
the best weed of my life.
he gave me this look,
a look i will never forget.
he knew something was wrong with me
immediately. he was the one who referred
to me as, "the cracked-out white girl."
he wasn't stupid.
the clinic was packed.
by the time i got there it was
starting to get worse.
i couldn't talk now.
images were flying past me,
moving faster than light.
everything was in complete chaos.
i sat down in a blue chair
and i started shaking uncontrollably.
the clinic lady kept asking my name.
i could hear her, but barely.
she seemed like she was in a different universe.
i couldn't find my voice,
so i didn't answer.
rachel told her what she need to know.
"she felt dizzy
she couldn't walk,
she hasn't eaten,
shes been dehydrated,
she can barely keep her eyes open."
the clinic ladies thoughts.
eating disorder.
ding ding ding.
she's right.
but that wasn't what was causing this episode.
she gave me crackers
and a cup of water.
i downed the water,
glass after glass,
until i had way over 16 of them.
i wouldn't eat the crackers.
partly because i wasn't hungry and
i couldn't even imagine eating anything.
and the other because i didn't want to get fat.
that's when eating disorder and drug issues combine.
she called my mom and
told her that she had to come "immediately",
she said she needed to get me to a hospital.
that i wasn't okay, and that something was wrong.
i was too weak to argue.
the only thing on my body that would move
was the uncontrollable shaking of my leg.
that's when i started to cry.
i couldn't hold it in anymore.
i started bawling my eyes out and
no one in the clinic knew what to do.
the new people coming in just looked at me,
the clinic lady just stood there patting my back.
she told me that everything was going to be alright
and that i needed to eat the crackers.
i wanted to scream that its not about the fucking crackers.
do you think i give a fuck about the fucking things?
fuck crackers.
i feel like i'm dying,
i think i'm going insane.
i can't see straight.
i can't talk.
i can't control myself.
i'm fucking loosing my fucking mind and all you can do is
tell me to eat some fucking crackers.
fuck you.
i didn't say that though.
i couldn't have said that.
i couldn't even whisper let alone scream.
my old best friend walked in then
her name was Megan.
she looked at me with sad eyes and said,
"krysten, are you okay?"
her words were slow, and cautious.
i couldn't say anything,
i just looked at her.
i'm pretty sure i scared her to death.
i'm pretty sure i was scaring myself to death.
my mom finally got there.
she was pissed,
pissed that they called her on her day off.
pissed that she had to come get her good for nothing daughter.
pissed that i was over exaggerating my problems.
pissed that i was being a stupid little girl.
we walked down the halls to my locker.
my mom just looked angry,
i was crying my eyes out.
people stared at me.
this was during second lunch.
they all looked at me and wondered what was going on.
i got my things and we went to the car.
i can't remember what happened on the car ride home.
all i know is that i cried.
i didn't talk.
i refused to eat anything.
and i passed out in the back seat of my moms grand prix.
i stumbled into my room when we got home
i plopped onto my bed and just wanted to sleep.
sleep forever.
sleep through all of this.
sleep was the one place where they couldn’t get me, right?
wrong.
as soon as i shut my eyes
images of static figures floating over blood red creeks
flashed through my mind like a movie.
it was so dark you could barely make anything out.
then only thing noticeable was the dark red in the stream,
and the black and white static of the floating objects.
closing my eyes was completely out of the question.
that's when i passed out.
it felt like i had been sleeping for days,
i turned towards my clock,
it had only been 3 minutes.
you have got to be kidding me.
i sat up in my bed and tried pulling out my hair.
this isn't happening.
i'm going insane.
i'm crazy.
i'm completely fucking loony.
i wanted to die.
i felt like killing myself.
all i kept thinking was,
what am i going to do?
this pain is lasting so long.
i can't take it.
it's unbearable.
i'm about to break.
wait.
wait.
wait.
broken.
my mom made me eggs.
she told me to come downstairs and yelled that i had to eat them.
i played around with them, with my fork.
"why aren't you eating?"
my mom kept screaming.
"is this something you learned from your friend reannah?"
i fucking hated her in that moment.
stronger than any hate i've had before.
i stared at her
then i started crying.
i threw my fork down.
as i got so dizzy i thought my face would fall into my food.
i let my neck just hang for a few minutes.
my eyes blinking slow,
i kept telling myself over and over that i wasn't important.
i kept reminding myself that i mean nothing.
i was right though.
because this poor little girl is completely losing her mind,
completely breaking down, and combusting and all her parents
can do is yell and continue with their work.
i walked over to the couch
and fell head down onto it.
i felt like i was suffocating.
i passed out again.
third time.
this time when i woke up more
time had past. 7 minutes.
a new record.
i cried, then i wanted to scream.
i didn't know what was going on.
"what's wrong with me."
"what's wrong with me."
was all i kept saying to myself.
i tried shutting my eyes
but the images just came back.
my eyelids shot open.
the voices in my head were really soft now.
soft to the point where i though i had completely lost it
and died.
"did you take something?"
was all my mom kept yelling.
"what's wrong with you?"
i was so weak that i just kept falling down.
i'd stand up and fall back down.
"let's weigh you."
my mom demanded.
i tried to stand on the scale.
it took me 3 times before i had complete balance.
115.
i had gained 6 fucking pounds.
i didn't give a shit though.
i could care less.
any other day my head would be through the roof
but today, i just wanted to die.
to be not there anymore.
to be saved from whatever
was taking over me.
i passed out again,
for the fourth time.
i was on my bed.
it felt more comfortable then it ever had before.
time was going to by so slow now,
in reality.
in my mind it felt like everything was happening
at 10,000 miles a minute
and i hated every second of it.
when i woke up my mom told me to get into the car.
she was taking me to a psychologist,
so i could talk to someone.
i didn't fight her.
i didn't care.
i thought i would end up dead by the end of the night anyway.
might as well say what i wanted.
just so everyone would know
how i felt.
fifth time.
in the backseat on the way there
all i remember was that i was sweating a lot.
the breeze was blowing my hair into my face, and it was sticking.
but i didn't have the energy to swipe it out, i didn't care.
and my eyes were so heavy that i could barely keep them open.
everytime they shut,
i just saw this blurred red color
from the sun trying to shine onto my face
but my skin covering it.
the psychologist sat me down.
gave me glass of water
after water.
in Styrofoam cups.
i really liked the cup.
i started chewing the outside of it.
i rambled on for hours.
it felt like i had been talking for days,
but it was only for a couple hours.
i'll never forget that window, or the tree that shown through it.
i stared at it the whole time,
because staring at that gave my mind a place to stay
so i wouldn't have to wonder back
into the evil places that i didn't know
my way around.
my parents went in to talk to the psychologist.
i passed out for the sixth time on the couch
i was on the phone with Reannah,
my best friend.
i was shaken awake by my mom
telling me that we were leaving.
i climbed into the back of the car
and rode home.
there were no secrets now.
my parents knew everything.
about the drugs,
about the alcohol,
about the eating disorder.
everything was out, and displayed in a glass box for the world to see.
my bad trip was coming to an end.
i still had the worst headache of my life
but i was able to focus on things again.
i was able to shut my eyes without being scared of what might pop into them.
i was able to walk up and down the stairs
i didn't feel like i was going insane anymore.
i didn't feel like i was about to die.
i felt like i had gone insane, but i was back.
i felt like i had died, but somehow been revived.
i felt okay.
i was too happy to be in control again.
that i didn't have time to worry about the consequences of all that i had said.
and the things that i had done.
the next day i woke up,
i went to school.
still with the worst headache of my life,
but with a new perspective on everything.
my legs were still kind of wobbly and my mind still unstable.
i didn't tell many about what happened.
it turned into practically everyone.
people just put two and two together.
half had seen me take the drugs
and the other half had seen my wobbling around, cluelessly, crying and shaking.
they weren't stupid.
and i wasn't ashamed. |
|
|
| So this is what a new start feels like... |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|04:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Comptine Dun' Etre Et // Yann Tiersen | ] |
I'm just going through the motions.
Things just arent the same anymore.
Last night, I went to Fathom to hang out
with Sarah, and we met up with Paige.
See, Paige is the girl that Timothy cheated
on. And I was the girl was using to cheat
on her. I didnt know about her. But I
was the other girl, and I felt bad about it.
Well, now, after all thats over, Paige & I
are pretty good friends I guess you could
say. We talk on the phone alot & we're even
thinking about dating. Timothy treats her like
shit and he has no reason to. She's never
done anything to hurt him. And he's cheated
on her several times.
Tim is now recently figuring out whats going
on and he's not to happy about it. But he
deserves it after all he's put her through.
He stalked her last night after she ran into us
and got mad that she was hanging out with me.
I have no intention of breaking them up, thats
completely her decision. And he thinks I'm trying
to break them up so I can have another chance
with him. As if.
And now its nothing but fucking drama. Which
I'm completely and totally tired of. And I
think Paige is not going to talk to me anymore
after all of this which pisses me off alot.
But whatever. Shit happens. |
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